Tag Archives: Loss

Cried out empty

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Picture (c) BlackMamba

I feel cheated.

I must say I’ve never been in a wilder roller coaster of emotions. I feel drained. I thought I’ve shed all my tears dry for this but I shocked myself again with a fresh batch of them just a while ago. I guess my life has been set to be melodramatic, crazy, intense, and finally, numbing as exhaustion creeps in.

On with the story:

Yesterday was the last day I could give my answer to an opportunity I was given.

I had talked to my parents for months, and throughout the semestral break. Finally, they conceded minutes before 5 PM of the last day of confirmation. And so I rushed to the office, shaking like a leaf, burst through the office doors, and teary-eyed, told them the news. Actually I’d told them maybe a day before about the situation so at least they won’t be shocked. I had used every reason imaginable to appeal to my parents, and finally on the last day they conceded. I didn’t expect this to happen. I thought the chapter was closed and done. Although of course, I could not help but completely extinguish the small spark of hope that remained in me. As long as there was time to confirm my decision, as long as there was time to send THAT email, still possibly the impossible could be turned otherwise.

But then when I arrived there at the office, it seems that they had relayed my answer for me. And it was immediately offered to another applicant decked in the waiting lust, I do not fault them, really. They thought that that was the end of that. But the slot was given to me, and I still feel it should’ve been mine to deal with. There was a reason why they gave me time to confirm my final, irrevocable decision. I thought I still had until the seventh of November; I should’ve. I get it that accepting the slot entails responsibilities, but the right to accept or reject it was still mine. But that was taken away from me.

I don’t know what will happen now. I’m in limbo. They told me to wait for word from them if the slot would be given. I don’t know, I have next week. I feel a certain melancholy, like I’m blanketed by this sheet of sadness. This is beyond exhausting: things–my life–being decided by people other than myself.

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